MEMOIRS

So here I am. Broke. Alone. Empty.

At the end of 2006 I said good-bye to formal employment and set out on my merry own – started my own Law Practice. Proud as a Peacock I was. Believed I would be an instant success. That I’d have a plethora of clients with a myriad of issues for which I could charge reasonable sums and live quite comfortably.

But the Stars had other plans for me. It’s been four (4) months. I cannot make my life-insurance payments. My mortgage is in arrears. I eat because I have a mother who is my lifeblood.

I am worried about my inability to meet my debts. I like to be able to pay bills on time. Mi feisty an’ nuh waa nobaddi fass wid mi.

I am concerned that my beautiful office, with an enviable view of the Caribbean Sea, is empty, bereft of clients. Bare. No-one to offer me work or even bask in the great atmosphere the space has to offer.

It’s strange. I am concerned for my debts, but nothing else. I am otherwise quite content. My son is fine and healthy. My mother – 74 years – is in perfect health. I like my ability to enter my office – my space – and enjoy it. It is desirable to earn and I am perturbed that I am so content. But I am. That’s it. Full stop.

I have a few clients, some I like, some I don’t. And I am a big ‘spirit-tekk’ smaddie – I believe in dealing with or being around those with whom my personality connects. I like the simple life.

Regrets, I’ve had a few; too few to mention. This is not one of them. This was the dream. The independence. The autonomy. That’s all I ever wanted.

But there’s an emptiness; one I cannot fathom.

Then just last week my son’s birthday present to me arrived a month early. In it, two books, one by Alice Walker made famous by The Color Purple. This book is We are the Ones we have been Waiting for: Inner light in a Time of Darkness, published this very year. And I am enthralled. It could not have arrived at a better time in my life. It is the writings of Ms. Walker – speeches she delivered and thoughts and poetry she has on different aspects of being.

In it, inter alia, she speaks to “the pause” so eloquently and beautifully. She advised not to fear it, for if we cannot give it to ourselves, the Universe will give it to us in illness; collapsing government or the unexpected breaking down of the car. She describes the pause as the Universal moment of reflection. And while this can be likened to ‘menopause’, I read Alice Walker’s words differently. I read ‘pause’ as a time when there’s nothing happening in your life. When there’s emptiness. “It isn’t easy,” she says, “to see that this is a good time.” And having read her words I am inspired to enjoy this time. To think. To imagine. To reach. To plan.

So, I will no longer panic that my practice is as slow as molasses (as I have oft described it to my friends). I will be thankful for this time. I will record this time. And later, when all is a hustle, I will reflect on it and bask in the glory of having experienced it.


© SABa
April 23, 2007